More Engineering Jokes, Part 2
Click on the name to hear that person's full podcast.
From Charles Gillis
They let you take a calculator into the professional engineering exam. Unfortunately, my calculator stopped working halfway through. I just can't count on it anymore.
From by Bert Uschold (host) told during Howard Silverstein's conversation.
An engineer dies and through some mistake, he goes to hell instead of heaven. When he gets there he says, “man, this place is really hot.”
So, he talks to the devil and says, “hey, devil, this place is really hot. I'm an engineer. Do you mind if I develop some air conditioning to cool it down?”
And the devil replies, “Hell yeah, that'd be great.” And so, after a few months, the engineer puts together some air conditioning and turns it on.
And lickety split, hell is now a nice and cozy, comfy, 72°. Sometime after that, God and the devil are having their quarterly meeting and God starts off like he always does and says. “Hey devil, is it hot enough for you down there?”
Of course the devil says, “No, it's not. It is nice and cool.”
God says, “What?”
“Yeah, we got an engineer down here a few months ago and he made air conditioning so everything's nice and comfy, cozy.”
God says, “Wait a minute, hang on.” He goes and checks Peter's list and discovers that Peter made a mistake. He tells the devil, “That engineer was supposed to go to heaven. You gotta send him back up.”
The devil says, “No way, because now that the air conditioning is done, he is now working on coffee and a coffee maker. Things are looking pretty good down here."
God says, “No, it was a mistake by Peter. You gotta send him back up.”
“No, forget it. I’m keeping him”
God says, “All right, that's it. I'm gonna sue.”
The Devil laughs, “Yeah, right. And where are you going to find a lawyer?”
From Doug Katz/Gordon Downey and Pete Rezac
Two engineering students were meeting up at the study hall. The second one comes riding up on this new really nice bike. The first student asks where'd you get that bike? That's awesome."
He says, “you know what? It was the craziest thing. I was walking across campus and this really beautiful woman came riding up. She got off her bike, dropped it on the ground, then she took off all of her clothes and she said, 'take what you want.' ”
The second engineer nodded approvingly. He said “good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit very well.”
From Todd Mansfield
Three people are sentenced to die by guillotine, a priest, a lawyer, and an
engineer. The priest is the first one to get put in it. They pull the rope, the blade comes down and stops just inches above his neck. He declares it a miracle and he's set free.
Next the lawyer goes in there. They pull the rope, blade comes down, and stops just short of his neck. He argues for double jeopardy, so they let him go.
Finally, the engineer is placed in the guillotine. He looks up and says, “I think I see the problem.”
From Tim Johnson
An engineer walks into a bar and says, “all right, everyone. The first person to name two structures of that hold liquid gets a free beer.
A man at the bar immediately said, “well, dam.”
The engineer says, “bartender, give that man a beer.”
From Tim Coonahan
(not a joke, but inspired by the conversation)
The annoying engineer’s phonetic alphabet
A as in aye.
A as in are.
C as in cue
D as in double-u
E as in eye.
E as in ewe.
S as in see.
W as in why.
Y as in you.
From Steve Drake
NASA was getting together a trip to Mars and they were interviewing candidates. It's a long trip and they're not coming back. The interviewer wanted to hear how much money each wanted for this one-way trip. The first guy in is an engineer. He look at his qualifications decide the engineer is qualified. He asks “how much do you want for this trip?”
He answers, “a million dollars.”
“Okay. Next, please.” The next one up is a doctor. They've already reviewed her qualifications. “How much do you want for this trip?”
She says, “two million dollars. One million for my family, and one million for medical research.”
The next one up is a lawyer. The interviewer asks “okay, how much do you want for this one way trip?”
He says, ”I want three million dollars.”
“Three million dollars? Why do you want so much more than the other guys? You’re just a lawyer.”
“Listen,” the lawyer said “give me three million. I'll give you a million back and then we'll send the engineer.”
From Seth Greenwald (created by AI)
Why do engineers love beer?
It's the only fluid dynamics they truly trust.
From Scott Bruneau
A wife asked her husband, who's an engineer, “darling, can you please go to the shop and buy one pint of milk? And if they have eggs, get a dozen.”
Off he goes. Half an hour later, the husband returns. 12 pints of milk. Exactly.
His wife stares at him and asks, “Why on earth did you get 12 pints of milk?”
“Well, they had eggs.”
From Robert Kropiniewicz
What did the force say to the distance?
We're having a moment, right?
...and similar to above from Murat Islam
A uniform beam walks into a bar and the bartender asks, “what would you like, good sir?”
The beam replies, “give me a moment.”
From Mike Warznie
Definition of engineer: Someone who solves problem you didn’t know you had in ways you don’t understand.
From Matt De Remer
D uct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
From Kevin Kildea (a math teacher)
There's a lawyer, an engineer, and a mathematician on a train heading north [sic] just crossing over into Ireland. The lawyer looks out the window and says, “look, Irish sheep are black.”
The engineer says, “no, no, no, there's at least one black sheep in Ireland.”
The mathematician, looking very irritated, said, “there is at least one field containing at least one sheep, of which at least one side is black.”
Commentary: What world are they in where a northbound train
crosses a border into Ireland? Because of the irregular border, it could
theoretically go from Northern Ireland into Ireland, kind of like most of
Detroit is due north of Canada. Here is a post about my favorite occurrence of that quirk of geography.