Engineering Jokes
A regularly feature of the podcast is for the guest to provide an engineering joke. There have been some repeats, but here they all are, roughly in the order the episode was released and who told it.
Check back regularly. New jokes are added as guests provide them.
If you want to hear the jokes as given during the podcast, here is a link to the podcast where all the jokes from the first year are compiled into one episode. Year two jokes are here. Note that a bit of editing was done when they were added here.
Joe Paraschac
How many engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one. They are very efficient but not very funny.
Here’s a link to the full episode.
Jay Julian
Just because it is a rock, don't take it for granite; you may not know schist about a stone.
Here’s a link to the full episode.
Nate Rollins
A mathematician, an engineer and a statistician go on a hunting trip. The mathematician is carrying a high powered rifle with a scope and a tripod. It's a sniper's rifle and they're going through the brush. The engineer has the binoculars and he sees an elk, and it's probably three quarters of a mile away, but the rifle that they're using to hunt is very capable of that range.
So they agree to set up the rifle on the ridge where they have a view of this elk. Then they set up the scope and take a look. The mathematician says, "I got this. I got this. Let me take the first shot since I had to carry the rifle." Everyone agrees, so he takes out a pad and paper. He does a range finding, calculates the triangulation, sets the rifle up and takes a shot. The engineer is looking through the binoculars and he says, "You hit the ground about 50 yards beyond the elk." The engineer says, "gimme a try. Let me try this." So he gets out his pad of paper. He does his calculations, sets up the shot, and he pulls a trigger. The mathematician is looking through the binoculars and he says, "Ah, you were 50 yards too short.
The statistician says, "it seems like we hit him."
Here’s a link to the full episode.
Brian Smith
A doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer are out playing golf and they keep hitting up getting stuck behind the golfer in front of them. It is just constantly slowing them down and they're starting to get really frustrated. Then the manager of the golf course comes by in a golf cart and says, "Oh, I'm so sorry, but the guy in front of you is blind."
The lawyer says, "Oh, man, that's terrible. Do you know what happened? I'd like to sue the guy who made him blind."
The doctor says, "I'd love to help that guy. I'm a surgeon. I'll help him regain his eyesight"
The engineer says, "Why can't he just play at night?"
Here’s a link to the full episode.
Mike Marcoux
Three engineers are riding in a car and it goes downhill and it crashes. The mechanical engineer says, "It might be the brakes. I'll get out and check.”
The electrical engineer says, "Well, maybe it's an electrical problem or a sensor problem. I can get underneath the car and maybe give a look."
Then the software engineer says, "Hmm, let's push it up the hill and try again."
Here’s a link to the full episode.
Frank Uschold
How can you tell an extroverted engineer when they talk to you? They look at your feet instead of their own.
Here’s a link to the full episode.
Charlie Sears
An engineer walks into a bar and runs to the bartender. He says, “quick give me a beer or there’s going to be trouble.”
The bartender thinks, geez, I don’t want there to be any trouble, so he gives the guy a beer. The guy drinks it down. When he’s done with it, he looks at the bartender and says, “Better get me another beer or there’s going to be trouble.”
The bartender wonders what the heck is going on, but he gets the guy another beer. This repeats for another couple of beers. Finally, the bartender looks at him and says “Hey buddy, when are you going to pay for these beers?”
The engineer looks at him and says “OK, here comes the trouble.”
Here is a link to the full episode.
Dave Smith
There are 10 types of people in the world, those that understand binary and those that don't.
Here’s a link to the full episode.
Cherie Duddridge
There are three engineers and they're having a discussion about what kind of engineer God is because only someone that was an engineer could have made the human body.
The first one said, “God's a mechanical engineer. If you look at your joints, they're really good. They're better than the best joint you can design for a robot.”
And then the second one says, “no, God is clearly an electrical engineer. The brain is an amazing computer and the nerves, the way it sends information to your body, that's definitely an electrical engineer.”
And the third one says, “no, God is definitely a civil engineer because only a civil engineer would put a wastewater treatment system next to a playground.”
Here’s a link to the full episode.
Robert Kropiniewicz
What did the force say to the distance?
We're having a moment, right?
Here's a link to the full episode.
Mike Warznie
Definition of engineer: Someone who solves problem you didn’t know you had in ways you don’t understand.
Here's a link to the full episode.
Anonymous
How many German engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
Zero. It's German engineering. It was done right the first time.
Dave Guertin
(to the tune of 99 bottles of beer on the wall)
99 little bugs in the code, 99 little bugs. You take one down, patch it around…
127 little bugs in the code
Here’s a link to the full episode.
Danielle Young-Smith
Why do software engineers code in dark mode?
Because bugs are attracted to the light.
Here's a link to the full episode.
Kevin Kildea (a math teacher)
There's a lawyer, an engineer, and a mathematician on a train heading north [sic] just crossing over into Ireland. The lawyer looks out the window and says, “look, Irish sheep are black.”
The engineer says, “no, no, no, there's at least one black sheep in Ireland.”
The mathematician, looking very irritated, said, “there is at least one field containing at least one sheep, of which at least one side is black.”
Commentary: Are you thinking in what world are they in where a northbound train crosses a border into Ireland? Because of the irregular border, it could theoretically go from Northern Ireland into Ireland, kind of like most of Detroit is due north of Canada.) https://dexterityeng.com/canada-is-which-way-from-here
Here's a link to the full episode.
Matt De Remer
D uct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
Here's a link to the full episode.
Clay Williams
Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and they are sitting around discussing their work. The first one said, “you know what? I think accountants are the easiest to operate on because you open them up and, and everything inside is numbered and organized.”
The second one said, “I think librarians are actually the easiest because you open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.”
The third one said, “no, no, no, no. You guys got it all wrong. I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color coded.”
The fourth one said, “well, I really like to operate on lawyers because they're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and tails are pretty interchangeable.”
The last one says, “I think that engineers are the best because they'll always understand when you've got a few parts left over.”
Here's a link to the full episode.
Murat Islam
A uniform beam walks into a bar and the bartender asks, “what would you like, good sir?”
The beam replies, “give me a moment.”
Here's a link to the full episode.
Doug Tyger
I’d like to tell a metallurgical engineer joke, but it's kind of tough. Oh, hold on. I do have a corrosion engineering joke. Never mind, it's too salty. Wait, I have a mechanical engineer joke. Forget it, it's too strained.
Here's a link to the full episode.
Tim Coonahan
(Inspired by the conversation)
The annoying engineer’s (partial) phonetic alphabet
A as in aye.
A as in are.
C as in cue
D as in double-u
E as in eye.
E as in ewe.
E as in elevate.
S as in see.
W as in why.
Y as in you.
Here's a link to the full episode.
Todd Mansfield
Three people are sentenced to die by guillotine, a priest, a lawyer, and an engineer. The priest is the first one to get put in it. They pull the rope, the blade comes down and stops just inches above his neck. He declares it a miracle and he's set free.
Next the lawyer goes in there. They pull the rope, blade comes down, and stops just short of his neck. He argues for double jeopardy, so they let him go.
Finally, the engineer is placed in the guillotine. He looks up and says, “I think I see the problem.”
Here's a link to the full episode.
Steve Drake
NASA was getting together a trip to Mars and they were interviewing candidates. It's a long trip and they're not coming back. The interviewer wanted to hear how much money each wanted for this one-way trip. The first guy in is an engineer. He look at his qualifications decide the engineer is qualified. He asks “how much do you want for this trip?”
He answers, “a million dollars.”
“Okay. Next, please.” The next one up is a doctor. They've already reviewed her qualifications. “How much do you want for this trip?”
She says, “two million dollars. One million for my family, and one million for medical research.”
The next one up is a lawyer. The interviewer asks “okay, how much do you want for this one way trip?”
He says,” I want three million dollars.”
“Three million dollars? Why do you want so much more than the other guys? You’re just a lawyer”
“Listen,” the lawyer said “give me three million. I'll give you a million back and then we'll send the engineer.”
Here's a link to the full episode.
Chris Costa and Noel LaFlamme
You have an optimist, a pessimist and an engineer. The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty, but the engineer says the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Here's a link to Chris's full episode and a link to Noel's full episode
Tim Johnson
Engineer walks into a bar and says, “all right, everyone. The first person to name two structures of that hold liquid gets a free beer.
A man at the bar immediately said, “well, dam.”
The engineer says, “bartender, give that man a beer.”
Here's a link to the full episode.
Larry Bridge
Engineers like to solve problems so much that if we don’t have any problems, we will create our own.
Here's a link to the full episode.
Seth Greenwald (created by AI) (the joke, not Seth)
Why do engineers love beer?
It's the only fluid dynamics they truly trust.
Here's a link to the full episode.
John Clarke and Josh Weaver
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “excuse me, can you help me?
“I promised a friend I would meet him in an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.”
The woman below replied, “you're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 59 and 60 degrees north latitude in between 107 and 108 degrees west longitude”
“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.
“I am” replied the woman. “How did you know?”
“Well answered the balloonist. Everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information. And the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've been not much help at all, and if anything, you've delayed my trip further.”
The woman below responded, “you must be in management.”
“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well,” said the woman, “you don't know where you are going or where you are. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which we have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.
“The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow now it's my fault.”
Here is a link to John's full episode and a link to Josh's full episode
Gretchen Gagel
Why did the engineer take a ladder to the bar?
He heard the drinks were on the house.c
Here's a link to the full episode
Caitlin Vallaincourt
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just one bite. And then everything crashed.
Here's a link to the full episode
Dan Schreiber (an architect)
A lawyer and an architect are having a conversation. The lawyer says, “everybody hates lawyers until they need one.”
The architect replies, “I’d say everybody loves architects until they need one.”
Here's a link to the full episode.
Jordan Poots
A chemist, a physicist, and an engineer, they're all out sailing on a boat at sea. The boat sinks.
They're stuck on a maroon desert island. They only have one can of food. That's all they've got, and they can't get it open. A day or two passes. The chemist tries to take the can first. He says, “look guys, how about we put it in the water? We'll see if we can corrode the lid off it.”
They set it in water for a day or two. No luck. The physicist takes his shot. He takes his glasses, he starts to angle them a little bit, seeing if he can get the sunlight to make a dent in the can, maybe. Nothing. Nothing at all. So, days pass and they're getting hungrier and hungrier. Finally, the engineer shouts, “I've got it. I've got the solution to our problem.
“What if we just assume the can is open, spherical, and in a vacuum?”
Here's a link to the full episode.
Bob Bouthillier
I used AI to write my life story. Guess what it's called?
An autobiography, of course.
Here's a link to the full episode.
Scott Bruneau
Aa wife asked her husband, who's an engineer, “darling, can you please go to the shop and buy one pint of milk? And if they have eggs, get a dozen.”
Off he goes. Half an hour later, the husband returns. 12 pints of milk. Exactly.
His wife stares at him and asks, “Why on earth did you get 12 pints of milk?”
“Well, they had eggs.”
Here's a link to the full episode.
Charles Gillis
They do let you take a calculator into the Professional Engineering exam. Unfortunately, my calculator stopped working halfway through. I just can't count on it anymore.
Here's a link to the full episode.
Naeem Turner-Bandele
Why did the electrical engineer quit his job?
Because he felt he was being grounded too often and needed a more positive connection.
Here's a link to the full episode.
Doug Katz/Gordon Downey and Pete Rezac
Three engineering students were meeting up at the study hall. The third one comes riding up on this new really nice bike. And the two guys ask where'd you get that bike? That's awesome.
He says, “you know what? It was the craziest thing. I was walking across campus and this really beautiful woman came riding up. She got off her bike, dropped it on the ground, then she took off all of her clothes and she said, take what you want.”
The second engineer nodded approvingly. He said “good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit very well.”
Here is a link to Doug and Gordon's full episode and a link to Pete's full episode.
Elliot McAllister
Two engineers were walking and about to go underneath a bridge. The first one said, "sometimes people throw stuff off of this bridge, so you got to be really careful. Last time I was down here, somebody threw a beer off the top and the guy next to me got beaned in the head with it.
"He was ok because it was a light beer."
Here is a link to the full episode.
Amy Barrickman
Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas?
OCT 31 equals DEC 25.
Here's a link to the full episode.
Bert Uschold during Howard Silverstein Podcast
An engineer dies and through some mistake, he goes to hell instead of heaven. When he gets there and says, “Man, this place is really hot.”
So, he talks to the devil and says, “hey, devil, this place is really hot. I'm an engineer. Do you mind if I develop some air conditioning to cool it down?”
And the devil replies, “Hell yeah, that'd be great.” And so, after a few months, the engineer puts together some air conditioning and turns it on.
And lickety split, hell is now a nice and cozy, comfy, 72 degrees. Sometime after that, God andhthe devil are having their quarterly conversation and God starts off like he always does and say. “Hey devil, is it hot enough for you down there?”
Of course the devil says, “No, it's not. It is nice and cool.”
God says, “What?”
“Yeah, we got an engineer down here a few months ago and he made air conditioning so everything's nice and comfy, cozy.”
And God says, “Wait a minute, hang on.” He goes and checks Peter's list and discovers that Peter made a mistake. He tells the devil, “That engineer was supposed to go to heaven. You gotta send him back up.”
The devil says, “No way, because now that the air conditioning is done, he is now working on coffee and a coffee maker. Things are gonna be pretty good down here, soon.”
God says, “No, it was a mistake by Peter. You gotta send him back up.”
“No, forget it. I’m keeping him”
God says, “All right, that's it. I'm gonna sue.”
The Devil says, “Yeah, right. And where are you going to find a lawyer?”
Here is a link to Bert's full episode and a link to Howard's full episode.
Brendan Conboy
You might be an engineer if:
You take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.
In college, you thought spring break was metal fatigue failure.
The salesperson at the local computer store can't answer any of your questions.
You know what http:// stands for.
You've tried to repair a something that cost $5.
You've saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.
You sit backwards on Disney rides so you can see how they do the special effects.
You can quote all the Monty Python movies.
Here's a link to the full episode.