Engineering Jokes
Here is a collection of the (mostly) engineering related jokes that have been heard on the Beers with Engineers podcast. Click on the name to go to the podcast where it was heard. Not all guests are here because some duplicated jokes or did not have one.
From Joe Paraschac
How many engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one. They are very efficient but not very funny.
From Jay Julian
Just because it is a rock, don't take it for granite; you might not know schist about a stone.
(OK. Maybe this is not strictly an engineering joke, but I thought it was gneiss.)
From Nate Rollins
A mathematician, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. The mathematician is carrying a high powered rifle with a scope and a tripod. It's a sniper's rifle and they're going through the brush. The engineer has the binoculars and he sees an elk, and it's probably three quarters of a mile away, but the rifle that they're using to hunt is very capable of that range.
So they agree to set up the rifle on the ridge where they have a view of this elk. Then they set up the scope and take a look. The mathematician says, "I got this. I got this. Let me take the first shot
since I had to carry the rifle." Everyone agrees, so he takes out a pad and paper. He does a range finding, calculates the triangulation, sets the rifle up and takes a shot.
The engineer is looking through the binoculars and he says, "you hit the ground about 50 yards beyond the elk." The engineer says, "gimme a try. Let me try this." So, he gets out his pad of paper. He does his calculations, sets up the shot, and he pulls a trigger.
The mathematician is looking through the binoculars and he says, "ah, you were 50 yards too short."
The statistician says, "it seems like we hit him."
From Brian Smith and a variation by Ken Stuber
A doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer are out playing golf and they keep getting stuck behind the golfer in front of them. It is just constantly slowing them down and they're starting to get really
frustrated. Then the manager of the golf course comes by in a golf cart and says, "oh, I'm so sorry, but the guy in front of you is blind."
The lawyer says, "oh, man, that's terrible. Do you know what happened? I'd like to sue the guy who made him blind."
The doctor says, "I'd love to help that guy. I'm a surgeon. I'll help him regain his eyesight"
The engineer says, "why can't he just play at night?"
From Mike Marcoux
Three engineers are riding in a car and it goes downhill and it crashes. The mechanical engineer says, "it might be the brakes. I'll get out and check.”
The electrical engineer says, "well, maybe it's an electrical problem or a sensor problem. I can get underneath the car and take a look."
Then the software engineer says, "hmm, let's push it up the hill and try again."
From Tom Kenney A variation on
the joke above
Three engineers are riding in a car and going out to lunch. The car dies; the engine just cuts out and drifts off to the side of the road. They are colleagues, but they're all different kinds of engineers. There is an electrical engineer, a mechanical engineer, and a software engineer. The mechanical engineer immediately pipes up and said, “there's something wrong with your fuel delivery. I think it's your injector pump. That's what it was. That's what it sounds
like to me.”
The electrical engineer says, “no way. That's an electrical problem. That was the ignition. I could tell by the way it died.
And the software engineer says, “how about this? What if we all just get out of the car and get back in?”
From Frank Uschold and others.
How can you tell an extroverted engineer when they talk to you?
They look at your feet instead of their own.
From Charlie Sears
An engineer walks into a bar and runs to the bartender. He says, “quick give me a beer or there’s going to be trouble.”
The bartender thinks, geez, I don’t want there to be any trouble, so he gives the guy a beer. The guy drinks it down. When he’s done with it, he looks at the bartender and says, “better get me another beer or there’s going to be trouble.”
The bartender wonders what the heck is going on, but he gets the guy another beer. This repeats for another couple of beers. Finally, the bartender looks at him and says, “hey buddy, when are you going to pay for all these beers?”
The engineer looks at him and says, “ok, here comes the trouble.”
From Dave Smith
There are 10 types of people in the world: those that understand binary and those that don't.
From Cherie Duddridge
There are three engineers and they're having a discussion about what kind of engineer God is because only someone that was an engineer could have made the human body.
The first one said, “God's a mechanical engineer. If you look at your joints, they're really good. They're better than the best joint you can design for a robot.”
And then the second one says, “no, God is clearly an electrical engineer. The brain is an amazing computer and the nerves, the way it sends information to your body, that's definitely an electrical engineer.”
And the third one says, “no, God is definitely a civil engineer because only a civil engineer would put a wastewater treatment system next to a playground.”
From Anonymous
How many German engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
Zero. It's German engineering. It was done right the first time.
From Dave Guertin
(to the tune of 99 bottles of beer on the wall)
99 little bugs in the code, 99 little bugs. You take one down, patch it around…
127 little bugs in the code.
From Danielle Young-Smith
Why do software engineers code in dark mode?
Because bugs are attracted to the light.
From Clay Williams
Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and they are sitting around discussing their work. The first one said, “you know what? I think accountants are the easiest to operate on because you open them up and, and everything inside is numbered and organized.”
The second one said, “I think librarians are actually the easiest because you open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.”
The third one said, “no, no, no, no. You guys got it all wrong. I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color coded.”
The fourth one said, “well, I really like to operate on lawyers because they're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and tails are pretty interchangeable.”
The last one says, “I think that engineers are the best because they'll always understand when you've got a few parts left over.”
From Doug Tyger
I’d like to tell a metallurgical engineer joke, but it's kind of tough. Oh, hold on. I do have a corrosion engineering joke. Never mind, it's too salty. Wait, I have a mechanical engineer joke. Forget it, it's too strained.
Share information about your brand with your customers. Describe a product, make announcements, or welcome customers to your store.
From Chris Costa and Noel LaFlamme
You have an optimist, a pessimist and an engineer. The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty, but the engineer says the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
From Larry Bridge
Engineers like to solve problems so much that if we don’t have any problems, we will create our own.
From John Clarke and Josh Weaver
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “excuse me, can you help me?
“I promised a friend I would meet him in an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.”
The woman below replied, “you're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 59 and 60 degrees north latitude in between 107 and 108 degrees west longitude”
“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.
“I am” replied the woman. “How did you know?”
“Well answered the balloonist. Everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information. And the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've been not much help at all, and if
anything, you've delayed my trip further.”
The woman below responded, “you must be in management.”
“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well,” said the woman, “you don't know where you are going or where you are. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which we have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.
“The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow now it's my fault.”
From Gretchen Gagel
Why did the engineer take a ladder to the bar?
He heard the drinks were on the house.
From Caitlin Vallaincourt
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just one byte. And then everything crashed.
From Dan Schreiber (an architect)
A lawyer and an architect are having a conversation. The lawyer says, “everybody hates lawyers until they need one.”
The architect replies, “I’d say everybody loves architects until they need one.”
From Jordan Poots
A chemist, a physicist, and an engineer, they're all out sailing on a boat at sea. The boat sinks.
They're stuck on a maroon desert island. They only have one can of food. That's all they've got, and they can't get it open. A day or two passes. The chemist tries to take the can first. He says, “look guys, how about we put it in the water? We'll see if we can corrode the lid off it.”
They set it in water for a day or two. No luck. The physicist takes his shot. He takes his glasses, he starts to angle them a little bit, seeing if he can get the sunlight to make a dent in the can, maybe. Nothing. Nothing at all. So, days pass and they're getting hungrier and hungrier.
Finally, the engineer shouts, “I've got it! I've got the solution to our problem. “What if we just assume the can is open, spherical, and in a vacuum?”
From Bob Bouthillier
I used AI to write my life story. Guess what it's called?
An autobiography, of course.